Understanding.

I know I say this a lot but there is a lot of things I do not and never will understand. Though, let me start this of on a high not with Claire is having her last cycle of chemotherapy over the next 4 days! So you are going to say she is cancer free, right? Well I'll let you know once all of the follow up tests have concluded.

Now let's get back to that original thought. I'm not going to get into why Claire had to go through all this because no one needs to go through that heartache but I. I want to go more literal here. When Claire was first diagnosed everyone and their mother wanted to visit her but as time worn on it was usually just her and I, especially on the two day stay. It's like the fun of it wore off. Which I don't mind, really, only slightly offended. 

I know people work but I just feel like they don't want to show up and spend time in a hospital room, but hey who does?  Then there was the issue of people who had school but it's summer now so nice try but it's not a valid excuse. I just don't know why I expect anything from these people. Golden rule, you can only depend on yourself... no one else and it does suck. 

I must say though I am proud of myself for getting Claire and I through this with such little support.

Well at least this will be the last long stay that I will expect anyone to come that won't, you know the fun stuff.

_-_Courtney_-_

Chemotherapy.

Sorry I have not posted in a while but things just happened to get a little crazy here. 

Claire was able to have another round of chemotherapy on Tuesday July 3rd and we were discharged the next morning. Then we traveled out to Philadelphia early Thursday morning for Claire's cast removal!

Her cast was finally taken off again but this time a new one was not put back on! She now has her brace that actually moves! So I have no idea how long the brace will be on at this point but we will be going back to Philadelphia in August and we'll see what happens then.

So Claire only has one more round of chemotherapy left then she just has to get through all her follow up testing and then she can get back to being a little girl, minus the brace. 

_-_Courtney_-_

Postponement

Claire and I took our vacation and came home on the 16th. Claire had a wonderful time seeing new things. I didn't take her to the beach except for a walk the first day. She kept pulling on her cast like she knew it wasn't supposed to be there for her to play on the beach. So Claire mainly stayed at the beach house. Which was just fine for her. She had a blast going to the grocery store with me and crawling around the house.

So today Claire was supposed to have chemotherapy today but they called me with her numbers from yesterday and they were not high enough for admission. So yet again her chemotherapy has been postponed another week. 

I hope that Claire's chemo will be down soon but it is not looking that way right now. It has been almost 6 weeks since Claire has had chemo and I just want her to finish up chemo and start getting back to being a little girl. 

On July 5th, Claire and I will be heading out to Philadelphia to have her cast taken off for good I believe and she will been given her brace.

Vacation,

Claire and I are taking a vacation this week until June 16th with some friends of mine. We left Pittsburgh around 3:30 am this morning and arrived in the outer banks around 1:45pm. 

We only had to make two spots one for Claire and one for food and gas. I'm glad we can take a break and relax from the stresses of chemotherapy for a little bit, but as soon as we get home we have to go into the hospital that following Tuesday to see how her counts are doing and hopefully they will be high enough for chemo. With pushing chemo back a week for vacation Claire will now be 6 weeks behind her original scheduled date for this particular round of chemo.

I almost did not attend this vacation due to the fact that I just want this all to be over, but sometimes you just need to step back and take a little breather, a break, a vacation. 

Stuck.

I feel stuck. I know it's a terrible thing to say and I wish there was a better way of putting it but for the life of me I can think of another. I am a single mother but I am living at home with my parents because this is what works for Claire and I. 

I had plans to move out. I had a list of things I had to get done include getting a job and an apartment but then my daughter was diagnosed with cancer. This is what works. 

I am comfortable with where Claire and I are.  I know and believe this is what is best for us. I just wish things were better.  

People ask me how I handle everything; I just push through it all. You can not dwell on any one thing for too long. Once your life is effected by cancer and while undergoing treatment you loose some of your choices in life and you have to be okay with that. I am not talking about your choices for treatment because Claire's oncologists do talk and discuss everything with me prior to. I am talking life in general. Everything becomes questioned. 

I will be honest I do struggle with a lot of things. I won't get into them all now because no one would read anything that long. But it is a struggle I am happy to deal with because I do have a amazing little girl in my life and that's what matters to me, that she is happy and healthy.

Envy

I'm not typically a jealous person but lately it's all I can think about. I am envious of mothers that get to run around with their kids. I want to struggle to catch my breathe chasing Claire. I want to go swimming with my daughter. I want Claire to walk, run, skip, and jump. I want to be able to take Claire to the grocery store with me. I want Claire to play with kids her own age on a regular basis. I want so much for my little baby but there is so much I can not give her right now.

You do not plan on this happening. Cancer. No one can ever plan this and no one should. I knew this was going to be a hard road to go down but it's taking longer than planned. They did tell me from the beginning  that Claire would not stay on schedule and that chemotherapy dates can and most likely will move around. Claire was scheduled to be done in April. I guess things just start to get to you after a while. I keep rolling with the punches but after a while it knocks you down. I could never imagine this happening and I think that is really what I have been struggling with lately.

 "How did I end up here?"

 I have been asking myself this more often then not. I just do not understand why and how this happened to my daughter. Though I mostly push that thought out of my head and remind myself that it is part of god's greater plan. Hopefully, I will come out of this a stronger person than before as well as Claire but boy have we had a bumpy ride. And it's not done yet! 

Last Tuesday May 22nd Claire's counts were not high enough for her chemotherapy admission so we were sent home to wait a week. On Friday, they called me to tell me that they had to changed Claire's appointment from the 29th to the 31st. I guess I am just blaming that one on the holiday? So we will she how her counts are then. At this point Claire only has two remaining chemo treatments, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

_-_Courtney_-_

Photo updates.

 A girl has to have options! :)

 Having a snack and taking a few notes while waiting in clinic

 Happy girl!

 In clinic right before Claire met two of the Pittsburgh Penguins!! :)

 December 30th, 2011. Claire's spica cast right after surgery. 

Napping in the hospital

 Napping with Aunt Mallory while fighting off two blood infections in the PICU!!

Easter presents 2012!