I'm not typically a jealous person but lately it's all I can think about. I am envious of mothers that get to run around with their kids. I want to struggle to catch my breathe chasing Claire. I want to go swimming with my daughter. I want Claire to walk, run, skip, and jump. I want to be able to take Claire to the grocery store with me. I want Claire to play with kids her own age on a regular basis. I want so much for my little baby but there is so much I can not give her right now.
You do not plan on this happening. Cancer. No one can ever plan this and no one should. I knew this was going to be a hard road to go down but it's taking longer than planned. They did tell me from the beginning that Claire would not stay on schedule and that chemotherapy dates can and most likely will move around. Claire was scheduled to be done in April. I guess things just start to get to you after a while. I keep rolling with the punches but after a while it knocks you down. I could never imagine this happening and I think that is really what I have been struggling with lately.
"How did I end up here?"
I have been asking myself this more often then not. I just do not understand why and how this happened to my daughter. Though I mostly push that thought out of my head and remind myself that it is part of god's greater plan. Hopefully, I will come out of this a stronger person than before as well as Claire but boy have we had a bumpy ride. And it's not done yet!
Last Tuesday May 22nd Claire's counts were not high enough for her chemotherapy admission so we were sent home to wait a week. On Friday, they called me to tell me that they had to changed Claire's appointment from the 29th to the 31st. I guess I am just blaming that one on the holiday? So we will she how her counts are then. At this point Claire only has two remaining chemo treatments, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
_-_Courtney_-_
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